ThrowbackThursday: Donald Trump Is a Dope Boy

Every Thursday, ContrabandCamp highlights previously published content that is still relevant today.

Screenshot via YouTube

This article originally appeared on NegusWhoRead.com on March 17, 2017

As mainstream media tries to piece together the entire Donald Trump mystery, NegusWhoRead has come up with an alternative theory that explains every question surrounding the pumpkin-skinned pussy-grabber. All the speculation about his taxes, his attitude and his secret Russian ties has led us to one all-encompassing argument that brings together every troubling bullet point on the tanning-bed totalitarian’s resumé. After an extensive investigation that includes putting pictures on a cork board and using tacks and yarn to connect the lines like they do on every police detective show, we have determined that only one conclusion can be reached:

Donald Trump sells dope.

Don’t laugh. We haven’t been drinking (that much … I mean, it is St. Patrick’s Day). What we are about to lay out is the most compelling case presented yet on why D.J. Trump has been acting so strange. We aren’t saying this is true, we are saying it might be true, and it is just as reasonable an argument as Russian business ties or a secret pee-pee sex tape.

Here is our evidence:

Poor white people love him.

If you’ve ever lived in a drug-infested area (I have) or passed by a trap house, then you know that the popular narrative of zombie-like Black crackheads milling around on the corner isn’t true. Research data and statistics show that white people use more drugs than Blacks — even though Blacks are more likely to serve time for selling or possessing drugs. Every dope spot is marked by a steady flow of Caucasians cruising by in 1987 Toyota Tercels trying to cop some rocket fuel.

This is probably why the crowds are so happy and raucous at Trump rallies— they know the ice cream man is coming.

No one knows where his money comes from.

Why do most big time drug dealers get caught? It’s not like the movies where an undercover cop busts them with keys of cocaine. It’s the IRS. It’s forensic accounting. Even if you get your money illegally, they will eventually find out where it came from.

You wanna know why Trump won’t show us his taxes? What if under “occupation” he just wrote in “the plug.”

It’s not so impossible to believe. I know a man who paid someone to set his business on fire and then tried to deduct it from his taxes. Also, with marijuana becoming legal in states around the country, people can actually send their tax information with “street shit” as their job.

His secret meetings with his connect.

Media outlets continue to expose Donald Trump’s bromance with Vladimir Putin. He is scared to say anything negative about Vlad, and big ups him at every opportunity. Everyone surmises that’s because the ex-KGB officer has some damaging info on Trump, but what if it’s because Putin is Trump’s drug boss?

Russia has the most drug users in the world, and people outside the U.S. all know that Putin is called the “unofficial richest man in the world.” Do you think these are coincidences? I’ve even heard rumors that Trump only allows the Secret Service to play songs by Notorious B.I.G. on Air Force One. Putin probably has a pipeline of heroin that he needs to sell, and that’s what all the meetings are about, which leads us to …

He has corner boys.

Whenever a drug boss can’t meet with his underlings, he always sends his crew to handle the drop-off or the pickup. So far, Jeff Sessions, Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, Jared Kushner and Rex Tillerson are just a few of The Donald’s associates who have met with Russians. That sounds just like Trump sending his corner boy lieutenants to meet with the connect.

And I know what I’m talking about.

Look, I have never been a drug dealer, but I’ve seen every episode of The Wire, and I have a dog named Omar, so I think I’m very well-qualified to speak on the subject of drug trafficking, and it sounds like Trump is Stringer and Putin is Proposition Joe.

He has a dope boy’s business sense.

How did Trump become a billionaire when all of his above-board businesses have gone under at least once? A man who has declared bankruptcy at least six times, thought Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka and even Trump Water was a good idea is supposedly a business genius? How, Sway?

If you have ever known a drug dealer, then you know they all have fucked up business sense. You don’t have to be a genius to sell drugs. It’s not like you have to develop a business plan, build a marketing scheme or learn economics and finance. All you need are drugs! Have you ever heard a D-boy say, “I don’t know how I’m going to get rid of all this dope!”

Nah, bruh. And every dealer has a shitty idea of how he’s going to leverage is drug money into a legit business, whether it’s opening up a school (Trump did that), starting a clothing line (Trump did that), buying real estate in his kids’ names (Trump did that) or a car wash.

Dope boys always open up car washes.

He’s paranoid.

Donald Trump swears Barack Obama has tapped his phone, and people within the White House say there is a culture of paranoia that has gripped every staffer. This is classic D-boy syndrome.

Have you ever talked with a drug dealer on the phone? They always think their phone is tapped. You could be talking to them about going to church, a basketball game or asking for a free car wash, and they will want to talk in code. They will hit you with something like, “You gotta be careful. You never know when the feds are watching.”

You sell dime bags to high schoolers! I’m not learning pig latin for you!

When you put all of this together, it seems relatively clear: Donald Trump is the plug. It explains why he plates everything in gold, likes model chicks and so much more.

While mass media, pundits and everyone else is complaining about how Trump is throwing the rules, protocol and etiquette of the presidency out the door, you must remember the words of the double-dealing, snitching, disrespectful man known as Cheese said just before he shot Proposition Joe:

“Ain’t no nostalgia to this shit.
There’s just the street.