The Clapback Mailbag: Making America Disappointed Again

Just like fascism, segregation and the measles, we're back, baby!

(Envato/ContrabandCamp)

Remember mailbags?

In 2017, a recently hired staff writer pitched an “innovative” idea that he claimed would make an outlet “more interactive while building a relationship with the audience.”

He was wrong.

While the weekly column soon became a reader favorite, the idea was not new. The writer — some dude named Michael Harriot — was just recycling an old idea that predates the internet. To be fair, there was a time when answering people’s mail was an entertainment staple. David Letterman did it. Andy Rooney did it. I was today years old when I learned that the original “Dear Abby” and the woman who created “Ask Ann Landers” were twin sisters (And supposedly, they had beef for years). Talk about cultural appropriation!

Along with the possibility of a second season of Drapetomaniax (probably not), and “Why do you hate white people?” (we’ll get to that), “Are you going to bring back the Clapback Mailbag?” is still one of the most frequently asked questions I regularly receive.

The answer is yes.

Every Friday, we’ll respond to emails, direct messages and comments from genuinely curious, sometimes disgruntled and often racist people who want to know stuff. Hopefully, this innovative idea will help build an interactive relationship with our ContrabandCamp community and provide insight for —

Who are we kidding?

This shit is just fun!

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Our first letter comes from someone I unknowingly “disappointed.”

From: Patrick
Subject: Defending you on X

Hey,

I’m on X @[redacted] The racist trolls were attacking you and I defended you and didn't even get a like or a thank you. I deleted my tweets supporting you, and next time a straight white male who is an ally steps up to help you, make sure you support him. Dissapointed to say the least.

Bye,

Patrick

Dear Patrick,

First, let me say that I am a big fan.

As someone who has enjoyed your work with SpongeBob for years, I can’t imagine what it must be like when the world sees you as a lazy, unintelligent inferior species while they hail someone whose only talent is soaking up privilege. In any case, your email raises an interesting philosophical question that my fellow African Americans have posed since time immemorial:

What’s good, Patrick?

No, I’m not asking how you’re doing. I seriously want to know how you define “good.”

Is someone morally virtuous if the only reason they are willing to help the helpless and defend the defenseless is that they expect acknowledgment or a prize in return? I’d argue that there’s a difference between someone who spends their entire life performing charitable deeds because of their moral conviction versus someone who does it to get on the heavenly VIP list at the Pearly Gates.

I am often asked why white people would want to stand with Black people if someone like me is still going to criticize them. Others point out my financial situation, my education or the fact that I’ve never been killed by a cop when I talk about the racial wealth gap, school underfunding or police brutality. They’re essentially asking: “Why do you care about people?” To me, the question is confusing because the answer is simple:

Because I can.

What kind of person only does something because it benefits them? Amelia Boynton was already registered to vote when she risked her life at the Selma to Montgomery March. Harriet Tubman was free, and she still came back for others. Colin Kaepernick was slated to make $24,910,314 when he took a knee.

And Patrick deleted his tweet because he didn’t get a like or a follow.

White people who do nothing to dismantle white supremacy are as complicit as the people who perpetuate it. School boards and executive suites aren’t filled with Nazis, Klansmen and Proud boys; they’re filled with regular white people who just don’t give a fuck about people unless it benefits them. And if your compassion is contingent on acknowledgment, self-benefit or a pat on the back, then you aren’t a “straight, white male ally,” you’re just an actor performing human decency in exchange for a like, retweet or a follow.

You weren’t defending me, you were pretending to not be racist for pay.

Maybe it’s your culture.

I know you live under a rock, while others get to own a luxurious, two-story, single-family pineapple under the sea, but not everything is about you. Maybe you should stop playing the victim. If you stopped spreading babies through asexual reproduction, pulled up your pants and dressed in business casual attire every day like Mr. Squarepants, I probably would have noticed your tweet.

Unfortunately, I had no idea that I could’ve temporarily turned a straight white male into a decent human being by giving him a gold star and an “attaboy.”

I’m disappointed to say the least.

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From: Marc
Subject: Black AF History

This evening I finished reading Black AF History. It was recommended to me by a friend who knows of my interest in history in general, and black history in particular. I was not disappointed. I found the book most informative and interesting.

However, after concluding the volume, my over-riding emotion was neither the joy one experiences after being educated, but rather, anger. Unfortunately my anger was displaced. It was not laid at the feet of all of the injustices which you described, but rather at your generalized (perceived) hatred of "white people". Personally, I felt insulted and extremely denigrated. I just do not treat people this way- ever.

From this standpoint, you did a real disservice to your readers. I would think that a paramount goal of your writing would be to educate a large swath of the American citizenship which may be somewhat naive or even ignorant about Black history. Instead, my curiosity, deep interest and sympathy were partially trampled by anger and feeling of belittlement as a fellow human being. In the end, I began to feel sorry for you, because I think you must be filled with deep resentment, despite all that you have attained, and the privileges which you must enjoy. Trust me when I tell you that "my people" have taken it on the chin throughout history, and as recently as this past couple of years, some of it promulgated by the Black community. Yet I dislike very few, and try to hold as few grudges as possible.

In summary, I found your book very informative, but sorry to say, very hurtful. It is hard to recommend the volume to my bookclub, considering other excellent tomes about black history which are also available.

Respectfully,

M. S***, MD, MBA

Dear Marc,

I’m sorry you felt “insulted and extremely denigrated.”

When I first began writing Black AF History, my intention was to write a well-researched, digestible, funny, relatable history book that could educate people about America’s true past from the perspective of Black people. For more than two years, I consulted with historians, sifted through primary sources and studied thousands of pages of historical documents. Although I noticed that you (and anyone else) didn’t seem to find a single historical inaccuracy or mistated fact after reading the entire book, I now realize where I went wrong:

I didn’t think enough about white people’s feelings.

Other historians and scholars are allowed to reduce the thousands of individual Native American kingdoms to “Indians” or, at best, “Native Americans.” There isn’t a single social studies book in circulation that differentiates between the Mandé blacksmiths who worshipped Ogun, the Mali horticulturalists who brought rice to America and the Akan warriors who were shipped to this continent like cargo and subjected to a constitutionally approved, race-based system that used violence to extract labor and intellectual property. Those people don’t deserve a backstory, a religious history or a political motivation; they’re just “slaves” or, at best, “Africans.”

But if I use the exact same approach that every single scholar uses and describe the English human traffickers, the Spanish enslavers and Dutch kidnappers as “white people,” then it must be because I hate white people.

To be fair, I understand why you are so hurt. If you were hurt because I treated white people like white people treat every other race, culture, ethnicity and history, then you feel like every Black student in every history class in every school in America feels every day. Think how many times their “curiosity, deep interest and sympathy were partially trampled by anger and feeling of belittlement as a fellow human being.” I don’t want you to feel sorry for them, but thank you for finally admitting that white people are filled with deep resentment, despite all they have attained and the privileges they enjoy.

You said it, not me.

But there is one point in your beautiful screed where we will have to agree to disagree. You did not find my book informative or interesting. You were definitely disappointed.

I have read a ton of books that held my attention, taught me something I didn’t know, and left me more knowledgeable about a subject. But after I consumed those books and learned something about other people, I have never, ever thought: But what about Marc?

And that’s where I failed, Marc.

I failed because I did not even consider that I should moderate the truth to protect the brittle, fragile feelings of someone whom I have never met. To be fair, when I was writing a book about Black people, I also didn’t think about Connor Klapinsky or Abigail Lovelace or Fionoa Levin or Ashleigh or Wyatt or Kirsten or Cooper or millions of other individual white people who I never knew existed.

That was the entire point, Marc.

I’m so honored that you noticed.

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And finally, this:

From: Sa,
Subject: Question

I’m disappointed that you equate white supremacy with Christianity. There is definitely some Christian racists because it is the most prvelelnt religion in this country but you ave have no proof that Christians approved of racism as a doctrine.

One of the world’s greatest phenomena is the caucastic belief that resides in so many white people who believe they know so much about race.

I’mma just leave this here:

Alabama Journal - March 25, 1959

Sorry to disappoint you.