G.O.A.T. Tournament Round 3: Facetious Ass Questions

Our quest to find the Greatest Oppressor of All Time has reached the Not-So-Sweet 16!

Our journey to crown the national champion of racism has reached the third round.

Since the beginning of our single-elimination tournament to honor the Greatest Oppressor of All Time, we have received numerous questions about the competitors, rules and procedures of our single-elimination tournament. While we appreciate the curiosity, it can be hard to tell whether these queries are coming from assholes or from people who genuinely want to know more. Instead of trying to figure it out, we decided to respond to a few of these in good faith.

Q. This seems so divisive. Are you doing this just to spread hate?

Why are Black heroes the only people who don’t have villains?

When we talk about the American Revolution and the Founding Fathers, we discuss King George, taxation without representation and even the price of tea. We talk about how the “Greatest Generation” fought communism and Nazis. If it weren’t for Lex Luthor, Superman would be an undocumented immigrant who came here as a farm laborer before taking good journalism jobs away from hardworking Americans who wanted to work at the Daily Planet.

The point is, too frequently, we honor heroes like Martin Luther King Jr., Harriet Tubman and Frederick Douglass, et. al while overlooking and disregarding the obstacles they overcame. It is impossible to understand what these great people achieved without talking about the systems that existed specifically to oppress them and the people who created them.

This tournament is not actually about white people at all.

It is about history.

Q. Why is voting restricted to paid subscribers?

Fun fact, we’ve been doing a version of this tournament for almost a decade.

In the early years, racists would sometimes try to skew the results. But on this platform, the only way bad actors can undermine our tournament is if they contribute financially to our platform. I don’t wanna brag, but it’s kind of genius. After all, what kind of person would be so racist that they would support a platform and vote against their own interests?

Q. Why do you hate white people?

I don’t hate white people; I hate white supremacy.

If you think white people and white supremacy are synonymous, that says more about you than me.

Q. I don’t wanna read all this. When are you going to get to the tournament?

Now.

Here are the matchups for the Not-So-Sweet 16:

Politics and Government Division

Q. Thomas Jefferson is a great Founding Father who wrote “All men are created equal.” Who did he oppress?

The Black 15-year-old he enslaved, trafficked internationally, raped and impregnated. The six children she bore with Jefferson, whom he enslaved and never formally freed. The Black 10-year-olds whom he hired a professional torturer to whip. he whipped. The “one hundred and fifty slaves specially named and described in the said deeds” he used as loan collateral while profiting from their free labor. The people he said were “inferior to whites in the endowment of the body and mind.” The Black people he refused to emancipate or extend human rights when he was the governor of Virginia. The Black people he refused to emancipate or extend rights to as president.

Thomas Jefferson oppressed all Black people.

Q. You think Ronald Reagan was racist just because he was a Republican. Who did he oppress?

When I was 6 years old, Ronald Reagan began his national career by dancing on the graves of civil rights martyrs. By the time I was 13, he had jump-started the crack epidemic, doubled the incarceration rate, enforced mandatory minimums, created the “Welfare Queen” lie, and fueled the War on Drugs. He made it harder for my parents to find a job and more difficult for me to attend college. I’m a lactose-intolerant American, and he filled my neighborhood with government cheese.

Ronald Reagan oppressed me.

Q. Andrew Jackson is too easy. Everyone knows he was racist.

You’re right. Everyone knows Andrew Jackson was a brutal slaveowner … except the man who wrote Jackson’s Pulitzer Prize-winning biography for “teaching patriotic and unselfish services to the people.” That biographer called Jackson “the ideal slave-owner.” To be fair, that narrative came from one woman Jackson enslaved named Hannah, who remembered him fondly.

Except Hannah ran away from Jackson’s forced labor camp as soon as she got the opportunity. After she was free, Hannah suddenly remembered how Jackson allowed his fellow Army officers to sexually assault the enslaved women and how he may have Black children. Not to mention Jackson being an ethnic cleanser and slave trader. But everyone knows that.

I like how “everyone knows” stuff but don’t mind him being on their dollar bill.

Q. Can someone tell me exactly what Trump has done with sources that affect black people negatively?

In the last 90 days alone, Trump has:

• Reversed the housing policy that prevents real estate appraisers from discriminating against Black homeowners

• Majority Black school districts get about $1,266 per student less than majority white districts. This funding disparity would be worse if not for the Department of Education’s Title 1 program. Black college students also disproportionately get Pell Grants, which are issued by the DOE. Trump issued an executive order dismantling the Department of Education.

• Studies show that Black children are disciplined more harshly than white children who commit the same offenses. Trump rescinded orders that protected Black students.

• He has dismantled the civil rights departments of six federal agencies.

• He issued an executive order threatening the largest African-American History museum in the world, literally saying race is a biological reality.

• The federal workforce is disproportionately Black. He has fired more federal workers than any president in history.

• His DOJ stopped enforcing consent decrees and reforms that hold racist cops accountable.

• His proposed tax cuts favor whites. He has dismantled every institutional program that addresses racial inequality in college admissions, employment and pay but NOT the inequality.

• He ended the 60-year-old rule that prevents federal contractors from discriminating.

• The FBI, DOJ and Homeland Security say white supremacists and far-right groups are the biggest terror threat. He just stopped investigating them.

Organizations and Companies

Q: The KKK isn’t around anymore, what are you going to whine about now?

Karl Marx, affirmative action, Hillary Clinton’s emails, Anthony Fauci and Barack Obama’s anti-white administration aren’t around anymore, yet here we are.

Q. Can you tell me why Project 2025 is racist but having a “Black agenda” isn’t?

No.

But thank you for acknowledging Project 2025 as the white agenda.

Q. If Black people didn’t commit so much crime, why are they so worried about the police?

The people who are killed by police usually haven’t been convicted of a crime.

George Floyd’s supposedly counterfeit $20 bill was rejected. The clerk believes Floyd didn’t know the bill was fake and Floyd never actually defrauded anyone. To this day, police haven’t produced a single shred of evidence that anyone housed drugs, money or anything illegal in Breonna Taylor’s home. Tamir Rice’s gun was not real, nor did he reach for it. Philando Castile was reaching for his ID, not his legally registered firearm. Mike Brown was not stopped for stealing.

The crime rate has zero correlation to police killings. In fact, most people killed during a police interaction were never suspected of committing a violent crime. Plus, the data shows that police don’t actually prevent crime, solve crimes or stop crimes in progress.

They just kill Black people.

Q. Is the Federalist Society racist just because they are conservative?

Small government conservatives wouldn’t want the government interfering in women’s reproductive rights, gender identity and private college admissions. They wouldn’t make the head of the government more powerful by making him immune from prosecution. If they were strict interpreters of the Constitution, they wouldn’t have concocted a “colorblind” theory that existed nowhere until they made it up to dismantle affirmative action while still allowing racial gerrymandering. If they were “originalists,” they would have kept Trump off the ballot in Colorado. If they were just following the Founders’ words.

To be fair, the Confederate secessionists called themselves “conservative.” Segregationist Democrats came from the “conservative party” until they rejected civil rights. Then the Republican Party became “conservative.” So, yes, the Federalist Society is conservative.

“Conservative” just means “white supremacy.”

Influencers*

*These competitors were so racist, there were no questions.

Mobs and Movements

Q. If not for Republicans, there wouldn’t be a Civil Rights Act.

A Democratic president (JFK) introduced the Civil Rights Act of 1964. A different Democratic president (LBJ) signed it. The Republicans voted for the Civil Rights Act of 1964. And while Republicans would like you to believe that Republicans supported the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and Democrats opposed it, that is only partially true. All one has to do is count the votes.

• There were 94 Southern Democrats in the House of Representatives. Seven voted for the bill.

• There were 10 Southern Republicans in the House of Representatives. Zero voted for the bill.

• Northern House Democrats voted in favor of the bill 145-9

• Northern House Republicans favored the bill 138-24

• Of the 21 Southern senators (Democrat or Republican), only one voted in favor of the Civil Rights Act (A Texas Democrat).

As you can see, everyone supported the Civil Rights Act except the South. It was Southern politicians from both parties who voted against it. The reason Republicans say they supported the bill is that there weren’t very many Southern Republicans in Congress in 1964. The Civil Rights Act was signed on July 2, 1964. In the presidential elections that year, 94% of nonwhite voters voted for Johnson, boosting him to a win over Barry Goldwater. But Goldwater managed to win five Southern states by opposing the Civil Rights Act.

Who represents those states now?

Q: What about the good things white women have done to fight racism?

Name them.

The last question comes from me:

Q. Which one is worse?

The evildoers who jump-started the modern Civil Rights Movement by committing a despicable act that will forever be etched into the American memory, or …

The people who are trying to undo that progress by distorting the teachings of Jesus Christ?

I don’t have the answer.

You have 24 hours to respond.