G.O.A.T. Tournament: A Measuring Rod for Racism
The quest to crown the Greatest Oppressor of All Time has reached the Evil 8.
Five score and five years ago, white women brought forth upon this continent a new history, conceived in lies and dedicated to the indoctrination of white supremacy.
Written by pseudo-historian, prominent miseducator and pro-lynching advocate Mildred Lewis Rutherford, A Measuring Rod set a standard for whitewashing history that survives to this day. With chapters like “Slaves Were Not Ill-Treated in the South,” Rutherford urged “all authorities charged with the selection of textbooks for colleges, schools and all scholastic institutions to measure all books offered for adoption” by the pre-Trumpian standards set by the United Confederate Veterans.
The present-day heirs of Rutherford’s legacy include Moms for Liberty, the Heritage Foundation and President Donald Trump, all of whom proudly declare that they don’t have a racist bone in their bodies.
But what if there was a measuring rod for racism?
Well, now that our tournament to crown the Greatest Oppressor of All Time has reached the Evil Eight round, it’s time to reveal the whole purpose of this tournament: Introducing ContrabandCamp’s Racial Algorithm Calculating Injustice, Supremacy and Tyranny (RACIST). Instead of feelings, white fragility and the Caucasian-concocted interpretations of words, we based our peer-reviewed mathematical formula on actual facts.
According to Merriam-Webster, oppression is the “unjust or cruel exercise of authority or power.” Similarly, the actual dictionary contains four different definitions of the word racism:
The belief that race is a fundamental determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race,
Behavior or attitudes that foster this belief
The systemic oppression of a racial group to the social, economic and political advantage of another
A political or social system founded on racism and designed to execute its principles
To use the RACIST Matrix, simply score each competitor on a scale of 1-10 in each of these five categories (Racist oppression, beliefs, behavior, systemic racism and the execution of racist principles). Divide your total number of points by the highest possible score (50) and you can easily find out how racist anyone is.
To examine the effectiveness of this caucastic equation (and to help you practice), we applied the racism ratings to the remaining contestants as an example of how it works. Remember, these are only our ratings; your individual scores may be completely different. There’s only one way to find out and that is to try it for yourself.
Remember, voting is only open to paid subscribers for the next 24 hours.
Here are the matchups for the Evil Eight.
Thomas Jefferson
Racist oppression: 10
Enslaved his children; raped and enslaved all of his kids; never formally freed an enslaved person.
Racist Beliefs: 9
Racist Behavior: 9
Rape. Enslaved 600+ human being. Required employees to whip enslaved boys as young as 10.
Systemic Racism: 7
Opposed freeing slaves at age 25. Tripled the size of America’s slaveholding territory. Used slaves as collateral for loans.
Execution of Racist Principles: 8
My favorite story of Jefferson’s racism is the story of his friendship with Tadeusz Kościuszko, a Polish aristocrat who fought with Jefferson in the Revolutionary War. Kościuszko pleaded with Jefferson to free his slaves to no avail. Jefferson claimed economic hardship, so Kościuszko had a solution. When he died, Kościuszko left his entire fortune to Jefferson with instructions for the money to be used to purchase freedom for Jefferson’s slaves. Any money left over was to be used to manumit every slave Jefferson could buy.
The “Apostle of Democracy” refused.
Grade: 86% Racist*
*Your score may differ
Donald Trump
Racist oppression: 8
Trump has not passed on a single opportunity to make America more racist.
Racist Beliefs: 8
Believes Black pilots can’t fly planes, Mexicans rape women, Europeans have “good genes,” Black people like him because he’s a felon and white people are being attacked.
Racist Behavior: 10
The “shithole countries” remark. Was sued by DOJ for racial housing discrimination. Said Kamala Harris “wasn’t Black.” Attacked Black women journalists. Birtherism.
Systemic Racism: 10
Criminalized DEI, dismantled Department of Education, closed multiple civil rights departments in federal agencies, Project 2025. Made the judiciary white again. Nominated whitest cabinet in 30 years. Ended consent decrees.
Execution of Racist Principles: 10
Dismantled affirmative action, renamed geography, DEI executive orders, attack on the National Museum of African American History and Culture, mass deportations, so much more.
Racism Grade: 92% racist
The Police
Racist oppression: 10
Began as slave catchers. Somehow, every year they manage to shoot, arrest and kill Black people disproportionately.
Racist Beliefs: 5
Individual beliefs may vary.
Racist Behavior: 10
Besides disproportionately killing Black people, studies show they are more likely to stop, search, frisk, detain, ticket and use force on Black people. White people are more likely to use drugs, have illegal contraband and kill police.
Systemic Racism: 10
Black neighborhoods are overpoliced; Black suspects are overcharged and school resource officers target Black schoolchildren.
Execution of Racist Principles: 10
Laws don’t necessarily have to be racist if the people who enforce them are racists. Also, the laws are racist.
Racism Grade: 90% racist
The Heritage Foundation
Racist oppression: 9
It created the most detailed racism agenda since the Third Reich.
Racist Beliefs: 7
Affirmative Action is unequal, but not legacy admissions. Equity is a bad word. Sexual relationships, sports, reproductive rights and education should be based on white people’s interpretation of the Bible.
Racist Behavior: 10
The War on Drugs, Iran Contra, mass incarceration and the cocaine drawer at DOGE.
Systemic Racism: 10
Wants to stop collecting the racial data that highlights disparities; eliminate the Department of Education; use taxpayer money to fund segregation academies; shot down federal agencies’ civil rights divisions.
Execution of Racist Principles: 10
Project 2025
Racism Grade: 92% racist
Peter Thiel
Racist oppression: 7
Cursing the world with JD Vance, Elon Musk and two years of hearing about Hulk Hogan's sex tape.
Racist Beliefs: 9
White people have higher IQs; Capitalist CEOs > Democracy; Donald Trump; great replacement theorist.
Racist Behavior: 5
Trying to live forever so he can torture future generations.
Systemic Racism: 10
Not only do Thiel’s companies allegedly discriminate, but the entire purpose of his evil empire is to build an infrastructure of systemic racism to use against people who live in Black neighborhoods, immigrants, activists and literally the world.
Execution of Racist Principles:
The problem with Peter Thiel is that no one knows how evil he’s willing to be. It’s quite possible that he’s just a wealthy, run-of-the-mill racist who just happens to be evil but it’s also possible that he’s an ordinary, white man with evil tendencies who just happens to be the most racist person alive.
Racism Grade: ∞
The Koch Brothers
Racist oppression: 8
The Koch brothers are essentially steampunk Peter Thiel. But their history of racism dates back to their dad, who was basically the original Lex Luthor.
Racist Beliefs: 7
Affirmative action is unequal, but not legacy admissions. Equity is a bad word. Sexual relationships, sports, reproductive rights and education should be based on white people’s interpretation of the Bible.
Racist Behavior: 10
The Koch brothers don't have racist ideas but if you have a racist Idea, the Koch brothers will fund it. They're basically “Shark Tank” for white supremacy.
Systemic Racism: 10
The Koch brothers create their own systems to be racist inside.
Execution of Racist Principles: 9
Funds the Bill of Rights Institute, the War on DEI and every right-wing, so-called “libertarian’ think tank you ever heard of.
Racism Grade: 88% racist
White Women Voters
Racist oppression: 10
Helped elect the politicians who wrote legislation and handed down decisions that dismantled affirmative action, reproductive rights, the Voting Right Act of 1965
Racist Beliefs: 10
Anything other than Black women.
Racist Behavior: 10
Voting against the political equality for Black people since the day Black people got the right to vote; lying that they’ll be better next time.
Systemic Racism: 10
Benefit most from DEI and affirmative action while dismantling those tools of equality for everyone else. Their support undergirds the coalition responsible for anti-trans legislation, Moms for Liberty’s historical erasure and this song:
Execution of Racist Principles: 8
White women do not have enough economic, political or social power to perpetuate white supremacy by themselves. But if they wanted to end it …
Racism Grade: 96% racist
Christian Nationalists
Racist oppression: 10
Christianity has been used as a bludgeoning weapon to promote every variation of racial discrimination.
Racist Beliefs: 10
Manifest Destiny, the Curse of Ham; America is a Christian Nation; “Sharia law” is taking over; God hates "f*gs;” America First; Segregation Now, Segregation Tomorrow, Segregation Forever; Islamic jihadist fundamentalist; the “War on Christianity,” and “religious freedom.”
Racist Behavior: 10
Witch drowning, slavery, lynching, Native American genocide, ethnic cleansing, human trafficking, church bombings, cross burning, praying away the gay, forcing pregnant women to give birth
Systemic Racism: 10
Segregation Academies, education savings vouchers; Muslim bans, interracial marriage bans, 10 Commandments in classrooms, banning abortion, criminalizing mifepristone.
Execution of Racist Principles: 9
The KKK, the Christian Right, Moms for Liberty, Fox News, mass deportations, the Republican Party, Tucker Carlson, the alt-right, white Jesus
Getting harder to choose between, dang.
Sad that there is only a sliver of difference between the worst and the worst of the worse.