Feds Arrest Undocumented Immigrant Who Led Campus Protest

It's not a good Friday for well-known activist Yeshua ben Yosef.

ContrabandCamp

Herod administration officials arraigned a community organizer on Friday morning after the former refugee was arrested for leading a campus protest at one of the country’s most exclusive institutions of higher learning.

Witnesses say Inhumane, Corrupt Evil (ICE) agents arrested 33-year-old community organizer Yeshua ben Yosef at an Olive Garden hours after a protest turned violent. Government officials allege that the well-known revolutionary is the leader of a violent street gang that is connected to a number of recent crimes. An outspoken critic of the current administration, the former refugee is being held at a detention facility, arousing fears that he will be deported …

Or worse.

Ben Yosef was reportedly born in nearby Bethlehem, but Herod has repeatedly questioned the charismatic speaker’s citizenship. Online conspiracists known as “birthers” claim the father, Yosef Sr., has always questioned Yeshua’s paternity, but DNA tests haven’t been invented yet. After self-deporting to Egypt to seek asylum, the Yosef family immigrated back to their hometown of Nazareth, where the son became one of the most prominent community organizers in the country.

“If his mama was a virgin, she should have immaculately conceived a birth certificate,” said Barabbus, an insurrectionist who spent time at the same detention facility as Yeshua before being pardoned by Herod. “President Herod is just protecting this country from dangerous leftists. We can’t let these violent illegal aliens ruin our country.”

According to multiple reports, the turmoil actually began when the suspect allegedly attacked dove vendors on the downtown Jerusalem campus of the original Temple University.

“He asked why they were taking CashApp in his dad’s house,” said Imma Tellitt, a cashier who witnessed the incident. “I said: ‘Sir, this is a Chick-fil-A!’ Then he started turning over tables and going crazy. I think his father is a wealthy donor because he said we were turning his father’s house into a den of thieves. Then he said, ‘Bless you, my child,’ and left. Was he trying to ‘son’ me?”

According to Tellitt, no one was hurt during the incident. However, that eyewitness account was contradicted during a hastily scheduled press conference attended by school officials, law enforcement authorities and recently confirmed Secretary of Romeland Security Pontius Pilate.

“This administration believes in law and order,” Pilate told reporters. “Make no mistake, we will arrest this gangbanging thug.” Asked what evidence was used to secure a warrant from a judge, Pilate said due process was unnecessary because of ben Yosef’s ties to the deadly street MS-13 gang.

The Dictators of Judea (DOJ) branded the collective as “MS-13” and put them on the terror watch list after ben Yosef (who goes by the street name “Messiah” or “Savior”) united with 12 activists listed in the Fascist Bureau of Intimidation’s (FBI) gang database as the “Disciples.” The group commands large crowds as they travel the country feeding the hungry, offering free health care and telling people the “good news” — that their lives matter.

However, police say they have evidence that the incident at the Temple was merely a precursor to something bigger. According to a preliminary report obtained by ContrabandCamp, the MS-13 kingpin called a meeting with his disciples over dinner to tell them it was his “last supper” before he leaves town. An inside informant alerted authorities about the plan, prompting the Olive Garden raid.

Some see the alleged gang as a nonviolent resistance collective that embraces Christ’s Religious Theory. Others, however, say CRT is divisive, mean and makes kids uncomfortable by blaming them for their ancestors’ sins, citing this reported quote by Yosef:

Yes, woe to you, Pharisees, and you religious leaders—hypocrites! For you build monuments to the prophets killed by your fathers and lay flowers on the graves of the godly men they destroyed, and say, ‘We certainly would never have acted as our fathers did.’

In saying that, you are accusing yourselves of being the sons of wicked men. And you are following in their steps, filling up the full measure of their evil.

Snakes! Sons of vipers! How shall you escape the judgment of hell?

— Matthew 23:29-33

Herod issued an executive order outlawing CRT on government property, even banning public libraries from displaying the part of the First Commandment about worshipping other gods and punishing third and fourth-generation sinners. The faculty at Temple University announced that they would comply with Herod’s demands for sweeping changes. Some condemned the administrators’ cowardice, while Herod vowed to protect temple goers from the anti-Jewish protesters.

While ben Yosef has previously faced misdemeanor charges, including practicing medicine without a license, violating seafood inspection law, water-skiing without a permit and bootlegging (he claims it was water that he turned to wine), these are his most serious charges yet. He appeared disheveled and beaten at an early morning arraignment on Friday, where prosecutors formally charged him with blasphemy and heresy.

Longtime associate Simon Peter was also initially charged with assaulting an officer and resisting arrest for cutting an officer’s ear off. But prosecutors dropped the charges when Peter pointed at the officer’s pristine earlobes. When the judge asked Peter to vouch for his co-defendant, Yeshua didn’t seem shocked by his longtime associate’s response:

“Jesus, who?” Peter said, “I told y’all three times that I’ve never heard of the guy.”

Ten members of the activist’s organization have asked the scholars at Temple to drop the charges, noting that years of tithing have produced an enormous endowment that protects the prestigious university from Herod’s attack on the First Commandment. But when asked if they thought the elite university would step up, Thomas seemed doubtful, while Herod tweeted:

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Yeshua ben Yosef’s final hearing is scheduled for this afternoon at a facility in Calvary.

J.D. Iscariot could not be reached for comment.